Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Borowitz Report: “God: ‘I’ll End the World When I’m Good and Ready, Me Damn It’”

“God: ‘I’ll End the World When I’m Good and Ready, Me Damn It’”
Almighty Holds Rare Press Conference
by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – “After a much-heralded End of the World failed to materialize on the appointed day, May 21, Almighty God held a rare press conference in New York to discuss the matter. Dressed in His trademark flowing white robe and carrying a thunderbolt, God seemed visibly irked by the predictions calling for the world to end this Saturday.

“I’ll end the world when I’m good and ready, Me damn it,” He snapped in response to a question from a USA Today reporter. When asked if He had a message for the faithful who had expected the world to end today, the Almighty cracked, “They should be grateful for the eleven years they’ve had since the world ended on Y2K.” God was cagey about setting an exact date for the end of the world, saying only, “When I decide to end the world I’ll let you know the way I always do – on Twitter.”

After the press conference, a publicist for God confirmed that the Heavenly Father was annoyed at having to talk to reporters to address the end of the world rumors: “Honestly, I haven’t seen Him this pissed since Pat Robertson blamed a tsunami on the gays.” Elsewhere, Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: 'The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sorry.'"
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