Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Borowitz Report: "New Petition Favors Replacing Congress with SEAL Team Six"

"New Petition Favors Replacing Congress with SEAL Team Six"
Elite Unit Gets Post-bin Laden Bounce
by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – "In a startling measurement of public opinion since the successful mission to kill Osama bin Laden, Americans in record numbers are signing a petition to replace Congress with SEAL Team Six, the elite unit that took out the al-Qaeda madman. The petition echoes the results of a new poll by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, in which the Navy SEALS trounce Congress by a lopsided 97% to 2% margin, with the remaining 1% answering, “Superman.”

Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota said that the numbers behind the numbers were even more striking: “By a wide margin, Americans favor SEAL Team Six landing on the Capitol building with helicopters and taking out Congress by force.” Added Professor Logsdon, “There’s a broad consensus out there that the Navy SEALs get things done, and that they would make C-Span more fun to watch.”

News of the petition and the survey caught the attention of Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, who issued a strongly worded denial of rumors that SEAL Team Six were practicing maneuvers on a life-size replica of the Capitol building  constructed inside an abandoned Linen ‘n’ Things in suburban Virginia.

In other post-bin Laden news, the White House said that they were “no longer concerned” about the American people being grossed out by images of Osama bin Laden: “After all, they’ve been looking at Trump for weeks.” Elsewhere, in reporting on Bin Laden's death, Fox News apologized for mispronouncing Barack Obama's name as "George W. Bush."
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