Promises Strong Social Networking Ties with Afghan People
by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) “Announcing a drawdown of American troops, President Barack Obama tonight maintained that the United States was not deserting Afghanistan, promising the Afghan people, “We will continue to follow you on Twitter.” Mr. Obama indicated that the United States’ relationship with Afghanistan would soon transition from a military one to a social networking one, with the United States promising to “Like” Afghanistan’s Facebook page and share contact information on LinkedIn.
In summing up the United States’ ten-year military mission in Afghanistan, Mr. Obama said, “We have done everything we set out to do in Afghanistan, even though we actually did it in Pakistan.” Mr. Obama detailed the United States’ exit strategy, saying that troops would soon be leaving Afghanistan “by way of Libya.” He said that with troops coming or going to and/or from Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya, “by 2012 the United States will be fighting only two wars – two and a half, tops.”
The President’s speech about Afghanistan ended on this stirring note: “In conclusion, my fellow Americans, I killed Osama bin Laden. F****in’ A.”
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