Medicare to be Replaced with ‘Kevouchers’
by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – "In a somber Congressional ceremony, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) eulogized the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian today, vowing to “honor his legacy by continuing his good work.” “Dr. Kevorkian tried to ease the transition of seniors into the great beyond,” an emotional Rep. Ryan told his colleagues in the House of Representatives. “Here in Congress, we have the opportunity – one might even say the obligation – to continue Kevorkian’s work on a grander scale.” As a first step to memorialize the work of Dr. Kevorkian, Rep. Ryan said that his new budget plan would replace Medicare with a system of so-called “Kevouchers” that could be redeemed for cyanide pills, nooses and bullets.
In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) suffered another setback today, in the form of these harsh words of criticism from former President Bill Clinton: “In my day, we’d show it to ‘em in person.” The avalanche of ridicule suffered by Rep. Weiner in recent days finally drew some pushback from a member of the congressman’s staff. “It is time for all of these babyish ‘wiener’ jokes to stop,” said new Weiner spokesman Hugh G. Rection.
Elsewhere, a new study shows that when you talk on your cell phone everyone around you can hear every damned word you're saying.”