Friday, June 10, 2011

The Borowitz Report: “Supercomputer Fails to Translate Palin Emails into English”

“Supercomputer Fails to Translate Palin Emails into English”
Not a Recognizable Language, Says IBM’s Watson
by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – “Hours after the state of Alaska released 24,199 emails written by Sarah Palin during her tenure as Governor, a celebrated supercomputer created by IBM failed to translate the messages into English. IBM computer scientists who work in the company’s language recognition lab were initially optimistic that Watson, the computer that rocketed to fame as a contestant on television’s “Jeopardy” game show, would have no problem cracking the code of Gov. Palin’s gubernatorial emails. But the scientists grew concerned when Watson stalled after five hours of nonstop processing and billows of smoke began to emanate from the supercomputer’s vents. Finally, Watson issued a terse “ERROR” message, reading, “Not a recognizable language.”

An IBM spokesman said that while Watson had failed in his mission, there was probably not a great wealth of information in the emails to begin with: “Out of a total of 24,199 emails, 24,195 of them were out-of-office autoreplies.” For her part, Gov. Palin seemed unfazed by the news, using a stop on her bus tour to blast Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY): "In Paul Revere's day, he had to ride from door to door to show people his penis."

In another setback for the GOP presidential field, one day after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit en masse, they released a brief statement explaining their actions: “We all simultaneously realized he was a douche.” Mr. Gingrich’s former staff would not divulge their precise location, but are rumored to be hiding somewhere in Pakistan. Despite the mass defection, Mr. Gingrich remained upbeat today, announcing that he would replace his entire staff with imaginary friends.”
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