Sunday, April 6, 2014
"7 Craziest Right-Wing Rants This Week: Satan's Role in Graham Crackers?"
"7 Craziest Right-Wing Rants This Week:
Satan's Role in Graham Crackers?"
By Janet Allon
1. Charles Koch writes hateful opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal, then moronic GOP senator recites it on the floor, instantly proving that pols are puppets of billionaires. Isn't it ftting that greedy-ass billionaire Charles Koch published his op-ed claiming he is against “cronyism and political favors” — knowing full well that he and his equally evil brother David spend hundreds of millions of dollars to purchase those favors — the same week the Supreme Court ruled that the Kochs don’t even need the cover of an organization to outright buy politicians anymore?
Money is speech, the right-wing gang bangers of the Supreme Court said, and people like the Kochs are free to lay it on just as thick as they want to. But, Koch whined in his op-ed, just because he uses his enormous wealth to ruin the lives of all but the few of his fellow robber barons doesn’t mean that you “collectivists” get to criticize him. It hurts his feelings, waah, waah, waah!
Employing the age-old strategy of “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you,” Koch called his critics despots who are un-American. Shortly thereafter, one of his flunkies in the Senate, Kansas GOP-er Jerry Moran read this great American’s op-ed out loud and in its entirety to his fellow senators, claiming it represented “mainstream” America.
Excuse us while we go throw up, collectively.
2. Glenn Beck: Obama is a military dictator who designs his own uniforms. Radio wack-job Glenn Beck spewed so much craziness this week, it’s hard to isolate just one tidbit. The man is a veritable gusher of insane vitriol. Still, Beck became particularly unhinged by the news about Obamacare enrollment and went on an epic rant to rival his other epic rants. Some of the more absurd moments: “This guy (President Obama), put him on a balcony in a military uniform, this guy’s a full-fledged dictator . . . What are we doing? We’re watching a circus. Right now, we’re still allowed to say, ‘this is bogus. This is a fairytale. The emperor has no clothes. . .’ And everyone in the press, you rat bastards, you know . . . This is borderline insane, (Obama’s) a sociopath.” Then returning to the uniform, Beck sputtered, “Put him in a uniform that he himself designed, because he’ll be the greatest uniform designer ever."
Oh my God, yes! You nailed it, Glenn. Obama, the sociopathic greatest uniform designer ever. It does not get more evil than that.
3. Pat Buchanan: God is on Putin’s side. The West is like Gomorrah. Pat Buchanan was having a little chat with God this weekend and God said, “You know, I like this guy Putin. He hates gays as much as I do.” “I hear you God,” Pat replied. “I love Vlad.”
“The West is like Gomorrah,” God added. “Well said, Yahweh. I might steal that line,” Patty chuckled. “Don’t you also hate the fact that the homosexual lobby has taken over that perfectly nice word, ‘gay,’ which used to just mean ‘happy,’ and now we can’t say it anymore.” But God had hung up and moved on to other things, like catching a screening of that Noah flick, and smiting Bill Maher. (It was on God’s to-do list, like, forever.)
Pat wrote his column praising Putin for "planting Russia's flag firmly on the side of traditional Christianity" when it comes to anti-gay and anti-women’s rights policies. He also kvelled that Putin is “tapping into the worldwide revulsion of and resistance to the sewage of a hedonistic secular and social revolution coming out of the West.”
Oh, Vlad, you are really Pat’s kind of guy. Turns out God does like communists, after all. He switched sides. He can do that. He’s God.
4. Rick Perry: Nah, we’re not going to do anything to curtail prison rape in Texas. Prison rape is epidemic, and at least one in eight juveniles in detention are sexually assaulted, according to a (conservative) Bureau of Justice survey. Way back in 2003, a law to gradually curb rape in prison was enacted. It gave states plenty of time to implement some changes, like more than 10 years. (So, sorry you inmates who have been raped in the interim.)
The DOJ's rules include: separating teens from adults, eliminating cross-gender pat-downs in teen and juvenile units and allotting more staff to juvenile facilities, according to the Huffington Post.
But, you know what? Rick Perry doesn’t care about prison rape. He’s busy doing other things. Like closing down women’s health centers. And executing people. In a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder last week, Perry explained why he was ignoring the "commendable," but “cumbersome" and "counterproductive" new rules. Perry said the law would not work in Texas, because Texas, unlike the feds, considers 17-year-old inmates to be adults rather than teens, and it would be too expensive to separate younger inmates from adults. So, in essence, let the rape of 17-year-olds continue. Read more here.
5. Boomer Esiason says Opening Day is more important than new fatherhood; apologizes. Mike Francesa says similar thing; doesn’t apologize. Sports personalities always have their priorities in order. Boomer Esiason demonstrated this when he opined on his radio show this week that New York Mets second baseman Daniel Murphy should have made his wife get a C-section — you know, that minor procedure where they slice into your stomach, pull your intestines out and pile them on top of your belly, yank a baby out, stuff your intestines back in, and stitch you up — rather than fly to be with her when she went into labor and miss baseball season’s first two games. (Because, jeez, there are only 162 games in the season!)
"Quite frankly, I would have said C-section before the season starts," Esiason blathered. "I need to be at Opening Day. I’m sorry. This is what makes our money. This is how we’re going to live our life. This is going to give my child every opportunity to be a success in life. I’ll be able to afford any college I want to send my kid to because I’m a baseball player."
Shockingly, listeners complained. Some accused Esiason of insensitivity and being a male chauvinist pig. Others pointed out that it really was none of his business. Under duress, he apologized, because he would “never” tell women “what to do with their bodies.”
Bigger jerk sportscaster Mike Francesa expressed a similar view on his show and stuck by it. Dads don’t need to be present for parenthood, he said, especially dads with really cool jobs, like baseball players and radio hosts. Someone, please wake Mike up and tell him it’s not 1955 anymore.
6. Pat Robertson: Obamacare is killing people! Here’s the number. Being ignorant has never stopped Pat Robertson from offering his opinion about anything. And he has been unable to wrap his addled, bible-thumping brain around that newfangled healthcare law. But he doesn’t like it. Doesn’t like it one bit. So, when an uninsured viewer asked the 700 Club host for advice, he warned her about the evils of the gubmint’s healthcare exchange marketplace for two very sound reasons: 1. Her personal information would get spread all over the Internet, and people might learn that, for example, she’s had sex. And 2. Healthcare reform is a disaster and it is “killing people.”
Be that as it may, the frothy televangelist then gave out the Obamacare 800 number.
7. Crazy right-wing group sees Satan’s handiwork in graham crackers. You’ve been warned about Girl Scout cookies causing lesbianism, but did you know that Satan has personally infiltrated graham crackers? Seems that innocent staple of kindergarten snacks and naptime is in cahoots with the forces of darkness, as evidenced by the fact that the Honey Maid brand recently featured a same-sex family (and an interracial couple) in its advertising, claiming, “This is wholesome.”
The American Decency Association (yeupp, that’s its name) recently joined other anti-gay activists in saying the ad is proof of Satanic deception: “Satan wants us to see sin as normal and not so bad... Honey Maid and others are putting two moms in a same-sex relationship. They are making two dads to seem normal.” Make no mistake, the group cautioned. This is not about acceptance. It’s a matter of an “evil agenda,” and part of Satan’s attack on God.
No, not the graham crackers, Satan! Meanwhile, Honey Maid responded. With genuine decency. Watch the video here.”
LOL, just so tragically, pathetically batshit crazy...